You made me cry and you don't even care
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
