You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
