It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
