you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
