We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
