I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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