Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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