At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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