For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
The uberlube is also flammable
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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