I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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