apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
