...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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