Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
