Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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