Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
