i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
