Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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