My liver just broke up with me...
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
