i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
