Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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