long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
