i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
