I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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