also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
