exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
