Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
