By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
