So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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