I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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