No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
