My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
