Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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