everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
