Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
