mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
