Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
