I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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