I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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