Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
