Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i would punch a child for taco bell
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Who put my cat in the fridge?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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