I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
