i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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