Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
there's paper in my vomit.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
