i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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