She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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