If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
