Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
