Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
