I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
