i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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