living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Less talking, more tequila
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
